fight for this life!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMiy_UsrPDs
It has been ages since I wrote something here.

So much has been going no lately, good and bad...hmm but of course mostly it has been bad. Financial instability could be a reason for it. 

This makes me wonder, if my previous decisions were right or the other way. As usual, nothing is going well as I planned to. Thinking back, I what ever I decisions made was due the current situations. There is no point looking back and regretting about it. As time gone is never to return. What can be done now is make it better, make the plans happen and take off! I have tried, but I have not succeeded as always faced obstacles in it. And now I have almost given up. It is due to the 'NO' that he keeps giving me that pulls me down and give up. Too much negativity. It tears me from within. 

This short phase that I am going through of financial crisis in other words is a blessing from Allah, to make me realize and feel what and how my other friends feel when they say 'no money'. I always wondered how do they manage, today Allah has given me taste of it. Shukran Allah..if not I would have never feel their sufferings, because no matter what in life, I have always had money. I also thank my parents for that. I hope I keep patience till this phase is over. I hate being what I am feeling today. 

I have this strong urge to get married and have children of my own. This only the Lord can help me achieve. I cry every time thinking of it lately. I see my friends who are happily married, with their family and cute babies. Everyone is growing, except for me. I feel I will never be out of this trap. Yes I feel I am trap. Or Allah has forgotten to make a man for me that can guide me and care for me, be with me during my ups and downs in life and support me, emotionally, financially, someone I can depend on. My parents are getting older. I see them fall sick daily. From day to day. It is really sad. That there is nothing I can do. I am afraid that I might end up being alone. Who am I going to turn to. Ya Allah please help me, I am desperate to see myself married. But I don't see it happening...please show me a miracle soon. I have no idea where can I get myself a life partner from....

My situation gets worse with my darling cousin talking nonsense of me being jealous of her and mr bf of hers. Just because she has someone is life and I don't. It is really sad how your loved one thinks of you such. I can't digest this, that she would come out with such statement. I have always wished well for her. Thinking atleast someone is happy somewhere. Well this is also a test for me. So I have decided to shut myself down. I am so sad about this that my heart aches. Those who know our sisterly history, say that it is OK, you know yourself better...but the pain of words that she gives me, can never be forgotten easily. And this is not the first time. Sigh!. I have no idea what does she want. Not listing her as my family on FB doesn't mean she is not my sister or family. No idea. Seriously. I don't understand. Or time have made me insensitive? I have been on my own for a long long long time. 

Those who show affection are always temporary. God knows whose curse I am carrying. Sometimes I cry to God why is He testing me this much. I am suffering from the inside. I can't show my heart aches to the world. Why should I? It would only make me weaker person. It is how I defend myself from the world. Especially their words that always, and always tear me apart. So many WHY's which I have no answers to. I pray daily asking God for forgiveness and please let me meet my life partner. I just hope all the pain that I am going through is worth it.

the whabbit year

I read some where that the year of rabbit is going be full of turmoils and troubles. Or was it some story I cleared. I decided not to belief it then. But since we stepped into the new calender of 2011, I realized, the numerology or prediction for this year might be right. But I still am not ready to face it.

Why do I say that it may be right, because I myself faced problems with myself and one after another appeared. Nonstop. And faced all the emotional bullshit. Which was really really really horrible phase for me. Most difficult phase of my life.

What made it more clear was, most of my loved ones, including my best friends were also in a crisis. This made the prediction more clear.

I also experienced a feeling of why some people need some 'space' in life. I never could understand this before. For the 1st time in my life, I needed 'space' from my life and from myself, including my love. When you are in this phase, you just want to be left alone. It is not easy. But left alone for too long, you might find it difficult to find yourself. 

What I also realized was, to over come whatever I was going through, after over a month or two fighting with myself, I needed to have peace with myself. Once I made this. I knew I was going to be OK after that. And it didn't take me long before I found peace with myself. 

And back to my point. The crisis I see my fellow friends face, is similar to mine. The misery and pain and all link to personal life and struggle to move on. May Allah have mercy on us. Please you have to this time as I am not going to sit back and agree to what Mr Whabbit has for us. It is up to us to make to decide what is best for our life and make it to the top and reach for the stars.

i am best at messing up my own life!

Smile. I start writing this time with a smile. As a sign of being in peace with myself. I think this is what I have fail to achieve. 

I have managed to mess up my good terms with some people I dearly love, just because it wouldn't work the way I wish to. I fail to understand them, I fail to see the side of their story. My suspicious behavior has made me a person who 'assumes', which I was not before. I was always clear to leave matters open and deal with them till it is the right time. But now I realized I am loosing control of myself. Since I faced disappointments from all angles, now this is what I have become. And I belief that I need help now. 

Maybe a friend was right that I need to get medical attention, it will help me calm down. Lately I failed to have control of my own life, that I end up messing up my good terms with others, even I know the reasons and being cool as I used to be is no more acceptable for me. Seriously I do need medical attention to calm me down. I am not going mad, just cannot manage my life as I use to. I can't sort it out and find peace within myself. It is really sad of what I have become. I never wanted to be like this. Or is it called as the 'early midlife crisis?'. Or there is something really bugging me all the time, and making me nuts.

Today I wanted to help a person I dearly love by getting away from his way, even knowing it would be painful to me, thinking it would be a solution to that person, my good intentions turned bad. As I failed to understand what this person was facing. I assumed, from some words posted. It was really immature of me to do that. Really foolish. Where else, I know we have been in good terms just a day or two. I messed up his mind and mine too. I always do this to him.

I don't understand why and what did I do. I ended up making things worst for me and him.

And now I look low at myself for being so childish. My thoughts are making me crazy. Really embarrassing. I cannot control my thoughts. Or maybe my thoughts are not mine. They are inputs by others who think what is best for me. They say think and react. But no one said that thinking too much and reacting can also be harmful. And sometimes destroy you.

Realizing this, I feel I am not actually sorted out. As I believed I was. Maybe I need time off from myself and the rest of the world. But it is not a great solution.

What have I become?. One tragedy and rejection in life has made me this. Usually I am out of this. But what happen this time, is seriously linked to my previous post. I need to sort out my life again.

I am not the strong person I used to be anymore. I could face anything with a smile. I lost that sincerity in me after that tragedy. I am messed up. I mess up others around me and mess up their life. This is not me. I am the person who solved others problems. Help and guide them. Maybe this is the karma I am paying of doing that. I use to tell people about what should be done and what not, but I fail to see it might hurt them. 

My brother was right. He said, the way you are doing things and thinking is not right. You rather stop now, before you become worst. 

 Sigh. 

I vow to myself to mind my own business. That is best. I shall not say further, my caring nature has made me what I am. I just hope the golden opportunity that is coming my way will be mine. And this will make my life more sorted out.

I also vow to myself that I shall make my own decisions. I regret what has happen. It shall never happen again. Ever. Think of only the good things, the rest allow the universe to manage it.

Smile.

everything happens for a reason

Everything happens for a reason...

Why we fall, why we are successful, why some are rich, why some are poor, or some who were rich then become poor and why some who were poor become rich...or why we meet some people and then loose them, why you meet others and they stay forever....everything happens for a reason. like the Malay proverb says 'ada hikmah disebaiknya'.

But what is the reason? We fail to understand this. Even I, myself today, am struggling to digest this. To my understanding, it is all linked to Allah's destiny. Sometimes things don't take place as we plan, and we end up feeling down and all depressed in disappointment. But some fail to see that Allah has open another door for them. Or maybe it is a sign from Him that it is not the direction we should take. Maybe something else much better is stored for us. 

This is something to contemplate.

As for me, it does takes time for me to realize why things never work out as expected.

Expectation is another killer word or should I say feeling. This happens even when you don't want to have any. But how can you not have any expectation. Everyone has some kind off expectations. Whatever actions they take surely there are some expectations. And when you have expectation. Then you will meet up it's best friend. HOPE.

Its all related to feelings. This is another crappy stuff. That makes an intelligent wise human being look stupid.

Hmmm I am blabbing again.

And what I experienced lately, was totally my own fault. My own expectation. The expectation which I myself  never thought it would come fall on my hands and fly away. Leaving me speechless. Only with tears and a heartache. 

I wouldn't know if I should blame some one for this. But maybe it is my own fault. Cause I developed expectations and was confident about it would be mine. Destiny had other plans I guess. There must be a reason for this to happen. It is really sad when something like this happens. It breaks you apart. 

After two days of swelling eyes and disappointment. I realized it was never meant to be mine. Just built on hope built on others words and a vision in my mind. That this could be it.

In some ways, destiny has a funny way when it plays its game. I knew it would never be mine since day one mentioned to me so, I never had any expectation until destiny itself brought it back to me and now destiny decides to take it away from me.

This surely is weird. Maybe that is why hope and expectations came to me. I am telling them to leave from my life soon. That was how the deal between us a few months back, when I fell. This time. I am OK. I fell. Cried. Prayed. But the pain is more.

I then realized Allah maybe had other plans for me. Maybe this was trying to show me something. Which I now see. I hope so. Or maybe destiny loves playing tricks with me. Or it is the 'doings of others' that I never to get attached.

Whatever has happen. It did. This will pass too.

What I need to do now is to learn to smile again. I am smiling, but there is this pain I feel in me. Like I posted on my Facebook "Kash khuda ne dill cheez nai banai hoti, na dard hota, ha khushi mehsoos hoti" this is so deep. 

Only broken hearts will understand this feeling. Now I understand how a Facebook friend of mine was going through all this while. It is really, really really hurtful. The pain wouldn't go away. Why? How did this happen? I hardly know it. It is all caused by expectation and hope. 

Now I wonder how many times a year do I have to experience this. Am I that desperate? Maybe I am. Age is catching up. I use to tell others, not to worry live your life to the max and no worries. But now I am panicking. I am panicking that my dream will not come true. I am scared. I can't afford to live this life alone without a support by my side. I should not have this fear. Maybe I felt that it was my last hope. And I lost it. 

Should I to be blamed for this. If so I think it is unfair. I have tried my all to bring some light into my life. But again and again I see failure. I see dead end now. As hope is gone. I don't see anything in future. Unless a miracle. Miracles do happen. But not sure in my case.

I need more then that. I need Allah's blessings. Loads of it. I pray daily to Allah asking for forgiveness. Begging Him to listen to my prayers. Make my dream come true. But this is what I get. Pain. Maybe I was asking for the wrong thing. 

It is totally unfair for someone to destroy one's future. Especially when you don't know that person. Just caused by some ill feeling. I don't know who, but I know, my life and future is destroyed by this person. I wonder if he sleeps well at night. 

I have no idea what did I do to deserve this from this unknown individual. It is sad. Unacceptable. But still I am living daily with it, hoping for a miracle, to be freed from this cage. I feel suffocated every time I think about it. And my only question is, What was my fault?. At this point I see destiny as unfair. Wonder if even this happened for a reason......

I just pray to Allah, to make me stronger now, make me the cheerful person the world see in me as. Hide away all my sorrows far behind a locked door. It will ache. Yes it will daily. But what can I do. Just praying to Allah one day I shall be freed from this punishment. A punishment that I don't know the reason.

The day my dream comes true. I will know that Allah has listened to my prayers. He was just testing me for being an obedient Muslim. I know He loves me so much. That I am tested at every level, day to day.

I just pray that what happen to me, doesn't happen to any other human being, because not everyone can accept it.

the unexpected

As life was moving just OK and me being getting adjusted to my early retirement.., dad's health got worse and again rushed him to the ER at PCMC. It was really worrying this time, he looked really sick.

He was in ICU for 3 days, then 4 days at normal wad...but alhamdulillah he is ok now, but one thing that I realised this time is...that my abah won't be long with us. His heart is so weak that anything can happen to him (his heart only functions 40%-60% fully)....or either with Allah's will he might will not have a healthy life after this. I will miss my dad as he was before. I really do.

I have been stressed up and in tears the whole week every time this thought comes to my mind. Some say if he takes care he can live up to 10 years...I will be very happy to see that. But there is an uncertain feeling in me, maybe I am scared to be too comfortable with this number given to me by my aunt, my doctor buddy told me he can live up to 3-4 years only and will always be in and out of hospitals. He has Congestive Heart Failure.

I have to be strong and have faith that Allah knows best, only He knows what kind of plans He have for us..Now I have to be strong to face what ever that may happen in future, I have to be strong to take care of my mother and brother, if I fail, everything will collapse. But for how long..I don't want to turn myself into something else. Sometimes I wish I had my life partner with me, to stand by me, and say hey everything is going to be ok, you are not alone, I am here to take care of it. But sadly Allah had other plans and let me to face this on my own. And I shall face this challenge. 

While writing this, my tears keep pouring. There is a heart ache. I feel the pain now. Close friends and family has shown their love, support and concerns in many ways. I thank them for that. I have been so held up with this recent incident that I even forgot my interview date. This was important to me. But I still managed attended it. To my point of view my 1st interview was better. This time I couldn't think, and I allowed myself to be nervous, and my mind went blank. This was the side effect of the stress that I have been facing that week.

What I can do now is, leave this matter to Allah, as He can provide and guide me, He knows best. If it was meant for me it will be mine, if not...there will always be other option, life doesn't end here.

Maybe looking at the figure and the benefits offered I got greedy and kind of drifted away from my actual mission and the reason I left BernamaTV. I really felt I want that job, because easy money.

I feel sad cause I have become such. Maybe financial difficulties makes you such. After knowing the fact about dad, I guess I should stick to my first option and the risk I took. By not doing so..in a way I might be cheating myself and killing my dreams to be a successful business woman. At this point, I become uncertain again, and start loosing focus of what I intend to do and should be doing.

That is  my dream and only business can make me what I see myself in future in. THE BMW or a lavish sports car lol..I do have such desires and I belief everyone does, but to make it happen, not everyone is capable of it.

I do need to earn more, maybe this is just temporary, I have to be strong, keep faith in Allah and myself. I need my confidence. I need to restructure my life. Focus. I know situations will make me drift away once in a while, but when I write here, I feel I gain my strength back to face whatever is stored for my by life. I will have craft my life. I have seen the vision which I should stick to it and not loose it.

I believe everything will be ok and work out as planned. InshaAllah....

dolce vita

Today its 19 Aug, supposed my last day at work. I don't know if my decision was taken in a haste but I surely belief it has to be done, and it is a right move that I made. I was clear of what I want, but now sometimes I am mirrored by uncertainty...Well I guess this is normal as I am still unsure if the path that I chose will lead to success, or is it 'the thing' for me. 

Thinking back it is wrong for me to have such thought coming to my mind, well I am also human, I can get shaken up. My vision now in life is to be rich and earn the success in what I belief in doing will give me a bright future, and off course I also want to be married. I can be worrying at times, but I have put a full stop to that.

I just want my business with my dad and my dream for the RR Designs takes off soon, and get really good respond. I do have to gamble, if I don't try I will never know if it worked but I do have success in my mind and heart.

Nobody likes to be in a uncertain or insecure situation may it be your career, money, or love. These three things will always haunt human as these are the necessity of life and what we believe, life is about. That is how we human has been patterned and trained to accept life. We chase for these three things. When we stop doing either one, people tend to become edgy and curious why isn't she/he is doing it. If you don't have a boyfriend it's like WHY? If your not married its like end of the world....and if you are not working with an organisation it's like "your jobless" and you need one. 

The thing is..what if I want to ignore all this for a while and live my life the way I want to. Life is too short to be following these worldly rules which has been scripted for us human by the culture. I just wana eat, pray and love. Live a dolce vita or a sweet life. Live a simple life but with high ambitious and needs, haha how is that...it means simple...I wana live my life the way I want to...

Whatever it is I really want to be somewhere in life. I really want to be successful, and I really want to make this path that I choose the path of my life. 

Khwab Jo (720P) *HD* - London Dreams (2009) - DVD - Music Video - Full Song

Jo tujhe jagayee
Neend teri udayein
Khawab hai Sacha wahi

Neendon mein jo aaye
Jisee to bhool jaye
Khawab woh sacha nahi

Khawab ko Raag de
Neend ko Aag de
O o O
Angraron ko jaaye
Angraron ko jaaye
Koyalon sa jo gaaye
Khawab hai sacha wohi

Lehareein jo uthaye
Paniyon ko to uthaye

Khawab hai sache wohi
Khawab ko Raag de
Neend ko Aag de
O o O

Manzilon pe tauyhaar hai
Lekin woh haar hai
Kya khusi apno ke bin
Hai adhuri har jeet bhi
Sargam sangeet bhi

Adhura apno ke bin
Khwabon ke badal
Chane do lekin
Risthon ki lok bacha ke Barasna

kheti hai hawaien
Chum le gagan ko
Pankho ko khol chodna tarasna

Khawab ko Raag de
Neend ko Aag de

Na na na na na
Ra ra Ra ra ra

La ra ra la la la ra ra

Khawab ko Raag de
Neend ko Aag de

Khawab ko Khawab ko Raag de
Neend ko Aag de
Aag de
O o O
Live your live your Live you
London Dreams

Live your live your Live you
London Dreams

Live your live your Live you
London Dreams

Live your live your Live you
London Dreams