i am best at messing up my own life!

Smile. I start writing this time with a smile. As a sign of being in peace with myself. I think this is what I have fail to achieve. 

I have managed to mess up my good terms with some people I dearly love, just because it wouldn't work the way I wish to. I fail to understand them, I fail to see the side of their story. My suspicious behavior has made me a person who 'assumes', which I was not before. I was always clear to leave matters open and deal with them till it is the right time. But now I realized I am loosing control of myself. Since I faced disappointments from all angles, now this is what I have become. And I belief that I need help now. 

Maybe a friend was right that I need to get medical attention, it will help me calm down. Lately I failed to have control of my own life, that I end up messing up my good terms with others, even I know the reasons and being cool as I used to be is no more acceptable for me. Seriously I do need medical attention to calm me down. I am not going mad, just cannot manage my life as I use to. I can't sort it out and find peace within myself. It is really sad of what I have become. I never wanted to be like this. Or is it called as the 'early midlife crisis?'. Or there is something really bugging me all the time, and making me nuts.

Today I wanted to help a person I dearly love by getting away from his way, even knowing it would be painful to me, thinking it would be a solution to that person, my good intentions turned bad. As I failed to understand what this person was facing. I assumed, from some words posted. It was really immature of me to do that. Really foolish. Where else, I know we have been in good terms just a day or two. I messed up his mind and mine too. I always do this to him.

I don't understand why and what did I do. I ended up making things worst for me and him.

And now I look low at myself for being so childish. My thoughts are making me crazy. Really embarrassing. I cannot control my thoughts. Or maybe my thoughts are not mine. They are inputs by others who think what is best for me. They say think and react. But no one said that thinking too much and reacting can also be harmful. And sometimes destroy you.

Realizing this, I feel I am not actually sorted out. As I believed I was. Maybe I need time off from myself and the rest of the world. But it is not a great solution.

What have I become?. One tragedy and rejection in life has made me this. Usually I am out of this. But what happen this time, is seriously linked to my previous post. I need to sort out my life again.

I am not the strong person I used to be anymore. I could face anything with a smile. I lost that sincerity in me after that tragedy. I am messed up. I mess up others around me and mess up their life. This is not me. I am the person who solved others problems. Help and guide them. Maybe this is the karma I am paying of doing that. I use to tell people about what should be done and what not, but I fail to see it might hurt them. 

My brother was right. He said, the way you are doing things and thinking is not right. You rather stop now, before you become worst. 

 Sigh. 

I vow to myself to mind my own business. That is best. I shall not say further, my caring nature has made me what I am. I just hope the golden opportunity that is coming my way will be mine. And this will make my life more sorted out.

I also vow to myself that I shall make my own decisions. I regret what has happen. It shall never happen again. Ever. Think of only the good things, the rest allow the universe to manage it.

Smile.

everything happens for a reason

Everything happens for a reason...

Why we fall, why we are successful, why some are rich, why some are poor, or some who were rich then become poor and why some who were poor become rich...or why we meet some people and then loose them, why you meet others and they stay forever....everything happens for a reason. like the Malay proverb says 'ada hikmah disebaiknya'.

But what is the reason? We fail to understand this. Even I, myself today, am struggling to digest this. To my understanding, it is all linked to Allah's destiny. Sometimes things don't take place as we plan, and we end up feeling down and all depressed in disappointment. But some fail to see that Allah has open another door for them. Or maybe it is a sign from Him that it is not the direction we should take. Maybe something else much better is stored for us. 

This is something to contemplate.

As for me, it does takes time for me to realize why things never work out as expected.

Expectation is another killer word or should I say feeling. This happens even when you don't want to have any. But how can you not have any expectation. Everyone has some kind off expectations. Whatever actions they take surely there are some expectations. And when you have expectation. Then you will meet up it's best friend. HOPE.

Its all related to feelings. This is another crappy stuff. That makes an intelligent wise human being look stupid.

Hmmm I am blabbing again.

And what I experienced lately, was totally my own fault. My own expectation. The expectation which I myself  never thought it would come fall on my hands and fly away. Leaving me speechless. Only with tears and a heartache. 

I wouldn't know if I should blame some one for this. But maybe it is my own fault. Cause I developed expectations and was confident about it would be mine. Destiny had other plans I guess. There must be a reason for this to happen. It is really sad when something like this happens. It breaks you apart. 

After two days of swelling eyes and disappointment. I realized it was never meant to be mine. Just built on hope built on others words and a vision in my mind. That this could be it.

In some ways, destiny has a funny way when it plays its game. I knew it would never be mine since day one mentioned to me so, I never had any expectation until destiny itself brought it back to me and now destiny decides to take it away from me.

This surely is weird. Maybe that is why hope and expectations came to me. I am telling them to leave from my life soon. That was how the deal between us a few months back, when I fell. This time. I am OK. I fell. Cried. Prayed. But the pain is more.

I then realized Allah maybe had other plans for me. Maybe this was trying to show me something. Which I now see. I hope so. Or maybe destiny loves playing tricks with me. Or it is the 'doings of others' that I never to get attached.

Whatever has happen. It did. This will pass too.

What I need to do now is to learn to smile again. I am smiling, but there is this pain I feel in me. Like I posted on my Facebook "Kash khuda ne dill cheez nai banai hoti, na dard hota, ha khushi mehsoos hoti" this is so deep. 

Only broken hearts will understand this feeling. Now I understand how a Facebook friend of mine was going through all this while. It is really, really really hurtful. The pain wouldn't go away. Why? How did this happen? I hardly know it. It is all caused by expectation and hope. 

Now I wonder how many times a year do I have to experience this. Am I that desperate? Maybe I am. Age is catching up. I use to tell others, not to worry live your life to the max and no worries. But now I am panicking. I am panicking that my dream will not come true. I am scared. I can't afford to live this life alone without a support by my side. I should not have this fear. Maybe I felt that it was my last hope. And I lost it. 

Should I to be blamed for this. If so I think it is unfair. I have tried my all to bring some light into my life. But again and again I see failure. I see dead end now. As hope is gone. I don't see anything in future. Unless a miracle. Miracles do happen. But not sure in my case.

I need more then that. I need Allah's blessings. Loads of it. I pray daily to Allah asking for forgiveness. Begging Him to listen to my prayers. Make my dream come true. But this is what I get. Pain. Maybe I was asking for the wrong thing. 

It is totally unfair for someone to destroy one's future. Especially when you don't know that person. Just caused by some ill feeling. I don't know who, but I know, my life and future is destroyed by this person. I wonder if he sleeps well at night. 

I have no idea what did I do to deserve this from this unknown individual. It is sad. Unacceptable. But still I am living daily with it, hoping for a miracle, to be freed from this cage. I feel suffocated every time I think about it. And my only question is, What was my fault?. At this point I see destiny as unfair. Wonder if even this happened for a reason......

I just pray to Allah, to make me stronger now, make me the cheerful person the world see in me as. Hide away all my sorrows far behind a locked door. It will ache. Yes it will daily. But what can I do. Just praying to Allah one day I shall be freed from this punishment. A punishment that I don't know the reason.

The day my dream comes true. I will know that Allah has listened to my prayers. He was just testing me for being an obedient Muslim. I know He loves me so much. That I am tested at every level, day to day.

I just pray that what happen to me, doesn't happen to any other human being, because not everyone can accept it.

the unexpected

As life was moving just OK and me being getting adjusted to my early retirement.., dad's health got worse and again rushed him to the ER at PCMC. It was really worrying this time, he looked really sick.

He was in ICU for 3 days, then 4 days at normal wad...but alhamdulillah he is ok now, but one thing that I realised this time is...that my abah won't be long with us. His heart is so weak that anything can happen to him (his heart only functions 40%-60% fully)....or either with Allah's will he might will not have a healthy life after this. I will miss my dad as he was before. I really do.

I have been stressed up and in tears the whole week every time this thought comes to my mind. Some say if he takes care he can live up to 10 years...I will be very happy to see that. But there is an uncertain feeling in me, maybe I am scared to be too comfortable with this number given to me by my aunt, my doctor buddy told me he can live up to 3-4 years only and will always be in and out of hospitals. He has Congestive Heart Failure.

I have to be strong and have faith that Allah knows best, only He knows what kind of plans He have for us..Now I have to be strong to face what ever that may happen in future, I have to be strong to take care of my mother and brother, if I fail, everything will collapse. But for how long..I don't want to turn myself into something else. Sometimes I wish I had my life partner with me, to stand by me, and say hey everything is going to be ok, you are not alone, I am here to take care of it. But sadly Allah had other plans and let me to face this on my own. And I shall face this challenge. 

While writing this, my tears keep pouring. There is a heart ache. I feel the pain now. Close friends and family has shown their love, support and concerns in many ways. I thank them for that. I have been so held up with this recent incident that I even forgot my interview date. This was important to me. But I still managed attended it. To my point of view my 1st interview was better. This time I couldn't think, and I allowed myself to be nervous, and my mind went blank. This was the side effect of the stress that I have been facing that week.

What I can do now is, leave this matter to Allah, as He can provide and guide me, He knows best. If it was meant for me it will be mine, if not...there will always be other option, life doesn't end here.

Maybe looking at the figure and the benefits offered I got greedy and kind of drifted away from my actual mission and the reason I left BernamaTV. I really felt I want that job, because easy money.

I feel sad cause I have become such. Maybe financial difficulties makes you such. After knowing the fact about dad, I guess I should stick to my first option and the risk I took. By not doing so..in a way I might be cheating myself and killing my dreams to be a successful business woman. At this point, I become uncertain again, and start loosing focus of what I intend to do and should be doing.

That is  my dream and only business can make me what I see myself in future in. THE BMW or a lavish sports car lol..I do have such desires and I belief everyone does, but to make it happen, not everyone is capable of it.

I do need to earn more, maybe this is just temporary, I have to be strong, keep faith in Allah and myself. I need my confidence. I need to restructure my life. Focus. I know situations will make me drift away once in a while, but when I write here, I feel I gain my strength back to face whatever is stored for my by life. I will have craft my life. I have seen the vision which I should stick to it and not loose it.

I believe everything will be ok and work out as planned. InshaAllah....

dolce vita

Today its 19 Aug, supposed my last day at work. I don't know if my decision was taken in a haste but I surely belief it has to be done, and it is a right move that I made. I was clear of what I want, but now sometimes I am mirrored by uncertainty...Well I guess this is normal as I am still unsure if the path that I chose will lead to success, or is it 'the thing' for me. 

Thinking back it is wrong for me to have such thought coming to my mind, well I am also human, I can get shaken up. My vision now in life is to be rich and earn the success in what I belief in doing will give me a bright future, and off course I also want to be married. I can be worrying at times, but I have put a full stop to that.

I just want my business with my dad and my dream for the RR Designs takes off soon, and get really good respond. I do have to gamble, if I don't try I will never know if it worked but I do have success in my mind and heart.

Nobody likes to be in a uncertain or insecure situation may it be your career, money, or love. These three things will always haunt human as these are the necessity of life and what we believe, life is about. That is how we human has been patterned and trained to accept life. We chase for these three things. When we stop doing either one, people tend to become edgy and curious why isn't she/he is doing it. If you don't have a boyfriend it's like WHY? If your not married its like end of the world....and if you are not working with an organisation it's like "your jobless" and you need one. 

The thing is..what if I want to ignore all this for a while and live my life the way I want to. Life is too short to be following these worldly rules which has been scripted for us human by the culture. I just wana eat, pray and love. Live a dolce vita or a sweet life. Live a simple life but with high ambitious and needs, haha how is that...it means simple...I wana live my life the way I want to...

Whatever it is I really want to be somewhere in life. I really want to be successful, and I really want to make this path that I choose the path of my life. 

Khwab Jo (720P) *HD* - London Dreams (2009) - DVD - Music Video - Full Song

Jo tujhe jagayee
Neend teri udayein
Khawab hai Sacha wahi

Neendon mein jo aaye
Jisee to bhool jaye
Khawab woh sacha nahi

Khawab ko Raag de
Neend ko Aag de
O o O
Angraron ko jaaye
Angraron ko jaaye
Koyalon sa jo gaaye
Khawab hai sacha wohi

Lehareein jo uthaye
Paniyon ko to uthaye

Khawab hai sache wohi
Khawab ko Raag de
Neend ko Aag de
O o O

Manzilon pe tauyhaar hai
Lekin woh haar hai
Kya khusi apno ke bin
Hai adhuri har jeet bhi
Sargam sangeet bhi

Adhura apno ke bin
Khwabon ke badal
Chane do lekin
Risthon ki lok bacha ke Barasna

kheti hai hawaien
Chum le gagan ko
Pankho ko khol chodna tarasna

Khawab ko Raag de
Neend ko Aag de

Na na na na na
Ra ra Ra ra ra

La ra ra la la la ra ra

Khawab ko Raag de
Neend ko Aag de

Khawab ko Khawab ko Raag de
Neend ko Aag de
Aag de
O o O
Live your live your Live you
London Dreams

Live your live your Live you
London Dreams

Live your live your Live you
London Dreams

Live your live your Live you
London Dreams

Amr Diab - Sadakny khalas

Translation: AMR DIAB SADAKNY KHALAS LYRICS

SADDAKNI KHALAS
MEN BEIN ENNAS
HABBEITAK WE5TARTAK LEYYA

TOOL MANA WAYYAK
ODDAMI MALAK
5ALLETNI MA'3AAMMADSH 3NAYYA

ALLAAAH… YA SALAAAAM
FE 3NEIK A7LA KALAAM

ARRAB MENNI SHWAYYA SHWAYYA
ALBI W2ALBAK SAWA YETLA2O
EDDONIA ENTA MALET'HA 3ALAYYA
DA EL7OBB ELLI MA7ADDESH DA2O

ARRAB MENNI SHWAYYA SHWAYYA
ADD MA TE2DAR ARRAB TANY
EDDONIA ENTA MALET'HA 3ALAYYA
WKA2ENNAK MA5LOO2 3ALASHANI

YA ARA2 EL NAS
F3NEIK E7SAS
BYA5ODNI MA3A BANSA EDDONIA
DOMMENI B2DEEK
LAW '3ALI 3ALEEK
MADDAYYA3SH YAREET WALA SANYA

ALLAAAH… YA SALAAAAM
F3NEIK A7LA KALAAM

ARRAB MENNI SHWAYYA SHWAYYA
ALBI W2ALBAK SAWA YETLA2O
EDDONIA ENTA MALET'HA 3ALAYYA
DA EL7OBB ELLI MA7ADDESH DA2O

ARRAB MENNI SHWAYYA SHWAYYA
ADD MA TE2DAR ARRAB TANY
EDDONIA ENTA MALET'HA 3ALAYYA
WKA2ENNAK MA5LOO2 3ALASHANI

7ABEEEEEEBI 7ABEEEEBI (ARRAB MENNI SHWAYYA SHWAYYA ALBI W2ALBAK SAWA YETLA2O)
ANA ME7TAGLAK TEFDAL GANBI
AAAH 7ABEEEBI
AH… (ARRAB MENNI SHWAYYA SHWAYYA
ADD MA TE2DAR ARRAB TANY)
AH… AAAAH

(ARRAB MENNI SHWAYYA SHWAYYA
ALBI W2ALBAK SAWA YETLA2O)
ANA ME7TAGLAK TEFDAL GANBI
YA 7ABEEEEBI

Believe me, that's it.
From amongst all people,
I have loved you and have chosen you for myself.

As long as I am with you,
There is an angel in front me
You have made me never shut my eyes.

Oh god, wow!
In your eyes, I found the most beautiful words.

Come closer little by little.
So my heart and yours can find each other.
You have filled my world.
This is the love nobody has ever tasted.

Come closer little by little.
As much as you can, come closer.
You have filled my world.
And it's like you were created just for me.

Oh most kind person,
There is affection in your eyes.
When I see them, I forget the world.
Embrace me with your arms,
If I am precious to you.
Don't waste time, not even a second.

My darling, my darling.
I need you to stay next to me.
Oh darling,

retired finally....

A week before my birthday I finalized  my decision to retire...remember on my post on considering early retirement...so finally it took me 5 months to take action. I have no regrets. I am a believer of no turning back, the future always holds new experiences for each and everyone of us, and definitely cheerssss!!!

Rested 3 days, then was in by 7.30am in the morning on Monday, my dad had to look at me twice if that was me..yeah usually he calls me the useless daughter who sleeps till noon..He always says..."you will only see her at 12noon".Well I guess his statement on that is over rated as I'm usually in the living room or at least the kitchen by 11.30am..and yes 30 minutes makes lots of difference.... =) my excuse working on the late night shift a night before hahaha but seriously that is how it is.

Alhamdullilah so far so good. Today I managed to finish the 1st task by dad...so far so good...other then the usual running around the town for submission and all...I think I am a fast learner especially in matters that are important to me..plus I didn't wanted to waste any time...I hate doing nothing, it makes go nuts..I just may do anything to fill in my time..

I avoid being stressed, so I try to take things easy..or maybe runaway from things that become a bubble of stress...runaway!!!  hahaha.. I believe life has to be lived in peace and harmony...I don't want to be the 'tension main dubi hui, depressed Rasheffa..nowadays I'm R.R...Rasheffa Rashid...inshaAllah one day you will see...RR designs tagged on some cool looking clothes...I did have a vision of having my own wear, sounds cool isn't it..if my deal with GulAhmed fashion gets through, we shall this someday and someday means soon...very soon...just once I get hold of the cloth...something I have always wanted to do, this will happen, my new quotes in life is..."VISUALISE THE FUTURE, THE REST WILL FALL INTO PLACE"....

Now what I need is to be focused to climb the ladder to reach for the stars....

I am so very excited, FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS RR...its all going to coming true soon...but don't just sit around...hard work and effort will definitely will take u where you want to be..may it be the sky..but for me the stars are the limit.. ;) 

Best Wishes RR