Everything happens for a reason...
Why we fall, why we are successful, why some are rich, why some are poor, or some who were rich then become poor and why some who were poor become rich...or why we meet some people and then loose them, why you meet others and they stay forever....everything happens for a reason. like the Malay proverb says 'ada hikmah disebaiknya'.
But what is the reason? We fail to understand this. Even I, myself today, am struggling to digest this. To my understanding, it is all linked to Allah's destiny. Sometimes things don't take place as we plan, and we end up feeling down and all depressed in disappointment. But some fail to see that Allah has open another door for them. Or maybe it is a sign from Him that it is not the direction we should take. Maybe something else much better is stored for us.
This is something to contemplate.
As for me, it does takes time for me to realize why things never work out as expected.
Expectation is another killer word or should I say feeling. This happens even when you don't want to have any. But how can you not have any expectation. Everyone has some kind off expectations. Whatever actions they take surely there are some expectations. And when you have expectation. Then you will meet up it's best friend. HOPE.
Its all related to feelings. This is another crappy stuff. That makes an intelligent wise human being look stupid.
Hmmm I am blabbing again.
And what I experienced lately, was totally my own fault. My own expectation. The expectation which I myself never thought it would come fall on my hands and fly away. Leaving me speechless. Only with tears and a heartache.
I wouldn't know if I should blame some one for this. But maybe it is my own fault. Cause I developed expectations and was confident about it would be mine. Destiny had other plans I guess. There must be a reason for this to happen. It is really sad when something like this happens. It breaks you apart.
After two days of swelling eyes and disappointment. I realized it was never meant to be mine. Just built on hope built on others words and a vision in my mind. That this could be it.
In some ways, destiny has a funny way when it plays its game. I knew it would never be mine since day one mentioned to me so, I never had any expectation until destiny itself brought it back to me and now destiny decides to take it away from me.
This surely is weird. Maybe that is why hope and expectations came to me. I am telling them to leave from my life soon. That was how the deal between us a few months back, when I fell. This time. I am OK. I fell. Cried. Prayed. But the pain is more.
I then realized Allah maybe had other plans for me. Maybe this was trying to show me something. Which I now see. I hope so. Or maybe destiny loves playing tricks with me. Or it is the 'doings of others' that I never to get attached.
Whatever has happen. It did. This will pass too.
What I need to do now is to learn to smile again. I am smiling, but there is this pain I feel in me. Like I posted on my Facebook "Kash khuda ne dill cheez nai banai hoti, na dard hota, ha khushi mehsoos hoti" this is so deep.
Only broken hearts will understand this feeling. Now I understand how a Facebook friend of mine was going through all this while. It is really, really really hurtful. The pain wouldn't go away. Why? How did this happen? I hardly know it. It is all caused by expectation and hope.
Now I wonder how many times a year do I have to experience this. Am I that desperate? Maybe I am. Age is catching up. I use to tell others, not to worry live your life to the max and no worries. But now I am panicking. I am panicking that my dream will not come true. I am scared. I can't afford to live this life alone without a support by my side. I should not have this fear. Maybe I felt that it was my last hope. And I lost it.
Should I to be blamed for this. If so I think it is unfair. I have tried my all to bring some light into my life. But again and again I see failure. I see dead end now. As hope is gone. I don't see anything in future. Unless a miracle. Miracles do happen. But not sure in my case.
I need more then that. I need Allah's blessings. Loads of it. I pray daily to Allah asking for forgiveness. Begging Him to listen to my prayers. Make my dream come true. But this is what I get. Pain. Maybe I was asking for the wrong thing.
It is totally unfair for someone to destroy one's future. Especially when you don't know that person. Just caused by some ill feeling. I don't know who, but I know, my life and future is destroyed by this person. I wonder if he sleeps well at night.
I have no idea what did I do to deserve this from this unknown individual. It is sad. Unacceptable. But still I am living daily with it, hoping for a miracle, to be freed from this cage. I feel suffocated every time I think about it. And my only question is, What was my fault?. At this point I see destiny as unfair. Wonder if even this happened for a reason......
I just pray to Allah, to make me stronger now, make me the cheerful person the world see in me as. Hide away all my sorrows far behind a locked door. It will ache. Yes it will daily. But what can I do. Just praying to Allah one day I shall be freed from this punishment. A punishment that I don't know the reason.
The day my dream comes true. I will know that Allah has listened to my prayers. He was just testing me for being an obedient Muslim. I know He loves me so much. That I am tested at every level, day to day.
I just pray that what happen to me, doesn't happen to any other human being, because not everyone can accept it.
