fight for this life!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMiy_UsrPDs
It has been ages since I wrote something here.

So much has been going no lately, good and bad...hmm but of course mostly it has been bad. Financial instability could be a reason for it. 

This makes me wonder, if my previous decisions were right or the other way. As usual, nothing is going well as I planned to. Thinking back, I what ever I decisions made was due the current situations. There is no point looking back and regretting about it. As time gone is never to return. What can be done now is make it better, make the plans happen and take off! I have tried, but I have not succeeded as always faced obstacles in it. And now I have almost given up. It is due to the 'NO' that he keeps giving me that pulls me down and give up. Too much negativity. It tears me from within. 

This short phase that I am going through of financial crisis in other words is a blessing from Allah, to make me realize and feel what and how my other friends feel when they say 'no money'. I always wondered how do they manage, today Allah has given me taste of it. Shukran Allah..if not I would have never feel their sufferings, because no matter what in life, I have always had money. I also thank my parents for that. I hope I keep patience till this phase is over. I hate being what I am feeling today. 

I have this strong urge to get married and have children of my own. This only the Lord can help me achieve. I cry every time thinking of it lately. I see my friends who are happily married, with their family and cute babies. Everyone is growing, except for me. I feel I will never be out of this trap. Yes I feel I am trap. Or Allah has forgotten to make a man for me that can guide me and care for me, be with me during my ups and downs in life and support me, emotionally, financially, someone I can depend on. My parents are getting older. I see them fall sick daily. From day to day. It is really sad. That there is nothing I can do. I am afraid that I might end up being alone. Who am I going to turn to. Ya Allah please help me, I am desperate to see myself married. But I don't see it happening...please show me a miracle soon. I have no idea where can I get myself a life partner from....

My situation gets worse with my darling cousin talking nonsense of me being jealous of her and mr bf of hers. Just because she has someone is life and I don't. It is really sad how your loved one thinks of you such. I can't digest this, that she would come out with such statement. I have always wished well for her. Thinking atleast someone is happy somewhere. Well this is also a test for me. So I have decided to shut myself down. I am so sad about this that my heart aches. Those who know our sisterly history, say that it is OK, you know yourself better...but the pain of words that she gives me, can never be forgotten easily. And this is not the first time. Sigh!. I have no idea what does she want. Not listing her as my family on FB doesn't mean she is not my sister or family. No idea. Seriously. I don't understand. Or time have made me insensitive? I have been on my own for a long long long time. 

Those who show affection are always temporary. God knows whose curse I am carrying. Sometimes I cry to God why is He testing me this much. I am suffering from the inside. I can't show my heart aches to the world. Why should I? It would only make me weaker person. It is how I defend myself from the world. Especially their words that always, and always tear me apart. So many WHY's which I have no answers to. I pray daily asking God for forgiveness and please let me meet my life partner. I just hope all the pain that I am going through is worth it.

the whabbit year

I read some where that the year of rabbit is going be full of turmoils and troubles. Or was it some story I cleared. I decided not to belief it then. But since we stepped into the new calender of 2011, I realized, the numerology or prediction for this year might be right. But I still am not ready to face it.

Why do I say that it may be right, because I myself faced problems with myself and one after another appeared. Nonstop. And faced all the emotional bullshit. Which was really really really horrible phase for me. Most difficult phase of my life.

What made it more clear was, most of my loved ones, including my best friends were also in a crisis. This made the prediction more clear.

I also experienced a feeling of why some people need some 'space' in life. I never could understand this before. For the 1st time in my life, I needed 'space' from my life and from myself, including my love. When you are in this phase, you just want to be left alone. It is not easy. But left alone for too long, you might find it difficult to find yourself. 

What I also realized was, to over come whatever I was going through, after over a month or two fighting with myself, I needed to have peace with myself. Once I made this. I knew I was going to be OK after that. And it didn't take me long before I found peace with myself. 

And back to my point. The crisis I see my fellow friends face, is similar to mine. The misery and pain and all link to personal life and struggle to move on. May Allah have mercy on us. Please you have to this time as I am not going to sit back and agree to what Mr Whabbit has for us. It is up to us to make to decide what is best for our life and make it to the top and reach for the stars.

i am best at messing up my own life!

Smile. I start writing this time with a smile. As a sign of being in peace with myself. I think this is what I have fail to achieve. 

I have managed to mess up my good terms with some people I dearly love, just because it wouldn't work the way I wish to. I fail to understand them, I fail to see the side of their story. My suspicious behavior has made me a person who 'assumes', which I was not before. I was always clear to leave matters open and deal with them till it is the right time. But now I realized I am loosing control of myself. Since I faced disappointments from all angles, now this is what I have become. And I belief that I need help now. 

Maybe a friend was right that I need to get medical attention, it will help me calm down. Lately I failed to have control of my own life, that I end up messing up my good terms with others, even I know the reasons and being cool as I used to be is no more acceptable for me. Seriously I do need medical attention to calm me down. I am not going mad, just cannot manage my life as I use to. I can't sort it out and find peace within myself. It is really sad of what I have become. I never wanted to be like this. Or is it called as the 'early midlife crisis?'. Or there is something really bugging me all the time, and making me nuts.

Today I wanted to help a person I dearly love by getting away from his way, even knowing it would be painful to me, thinking it would be a solution to that person, my good intentions turned bad. As I failed to understand what this person was facing. I assumed, from some words posted. It was really immature of me to do that. Really foolish. Where else, I know we have been in good terms just a day or two. I messed up his mind and mine too. I always do this to him.

I don't understand why and what did I do. I ended up making things worst for me and him.

And now I look low at myself for being so childish. My thoughts are making me crazy. Really embarrassing. I cannot control my thoughts. Or maybe my thoughts are not mine. They are inputs by others who think what is best for me. They say think and react. But no one said that thinking too much and reacting can also be harmful. And sometimes destroy you.

Realizing this, I feel I am not actually sorted out. As I believed I was. Maybe I need time off from myself and the rest of the world. But it is not a great solution.

What have I become?. One tragedy and rejection in life has made me this. Usually I am out of this. But what happen this time, is seriously linked to my previous post. I need to sort out my life again.

I am not the strong person I used to be anymore. I could face anything with a smile. I lost that sincerity in me after that tragedy. I am messed up. I mess up others around me and mess up their life. This is not me. I am the person who solved others problems. Help and guide them. Maybe this is the karma I am paying of doing that. I use to tell people about what should be done and what not, but I fail to see it might hurt them. 

My brother was right. He said, the way you are doing things and thinking is not right. You rather stop now, before you become worst. 

 Sigh. 

I vow to myself to mind my own business. That is best. I shall not say further, my caring nature has made me what I am. I just hope the golden opportunity that is coming my way will be mine. And this will make my life more sorted out.

I also vow to myself that I shall make my own decisions. I regret what has happen. It shall never happen again. Ever. Think of only the good things, the rest allow the universe to manage it.

Smile.