fight for this life!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMiy_UsrPDs
It has been ages since I wrote something here.

So much has been going no lately, good and bad...hmm but of course mostly it has been bad. Financial instability could be a reason for it. 

This makes me wonder, if my previous decisions were right or the other way. As usual, nothing is going well as I planned to. Thinking back, I what ever I decisions made was due the current situations. There is no point looking back and regretting about it. As time gone is never to return. What can be done now is make it better, make the plans happen and take off! I have tried, but I have not succeeded as always faced obstacles in it. And now I have almost given up. It is due to the 'NO' that he keeps giving me that pulls me down and give up. Too much negativity. It tears me from within. 

This short phase that I am going through of financial crisis in other words is a blessing from Allah, to make me realize and feel what and how my other friends feel when they say 'no money'. I always wondered how do they manage, today Allah has given me taste of it. Shukran Allah..if not I would have never feel their sufferings, because no matter what in life, I have always had money. I also thank my parents for that. I hope I keep patience till this phase is over. I hate being what I am feeling today. 

I have this strong urge to get married and have children of my own. This only the Lord can help me achieve. I cry every time thinking of it lately. I see my friends who are happily married, with their family and cute babies. Everyone is growing, except for me. I feel I will never be out of this trap. Yes I feel I am trap. Or Allah has forgotten to make a man for me that can guide me and care for me, be with me during my ups and downs in life and support me, emotionally, financially, someone I can depend on. My parents are getting older. I see them fall sick daily. From day to day. It is really sad. That there is nothing I can do. I am afraid that I might end up being alone. Who am I going to turn to. Ya Allah please help me, I am desperate to see myself married. But I don't see it happening...please show me a miracle soon. I have no idea where can I get myself a life partner from....

My situation gets worse with my darling cousin talking nonsense of me being jealous of her and mr bf of hers. Just because she has someone is life and I don't. It is really sad how your loved one thinks of you such. I can't digest this, that she would come out with such statement. I have always wished well for her. Thinking atleast someone is happy somewhere. Well this is also a test for me. So I have decided to shut myself down. I am so sad about this that my heart aches. Those who know our sisterly history, say that it is OK, you know yourself better...but the pain of words that she gives me, can never be forgotten easily. And this is not the first time. Sigh!. I have no idea what does she want. Not listing her as my family on FB doesn't mean she is not my sister or family. No idea. Seriously. I don't understand. Or time have made me insensitive? I have been on my own for a long long long time. 

Those who show affection are always temporary. God knows whose curse I am carrying. Sometimes I cry to God why is He testing me this much. I am suffering from the inside. I can't show my heart aches to the world. Why should I? It would only make me weaker person. It is how I defend myself from the world. Especially their words that always, and always tear me apart. So many WHY's which I have no answers to. I pray daily asking God for forgiveness and please let me meet my life partner. I just hope all the pain that I am going through is worth it.