Smile. I start writing this time with a smile. As a sign of being in peace with myself. I think this is what I have fail to achieve.
I have managed to mess up my good terms with some people I dearly love, just because it wouldn't work the way I wish to. I fail to understand them, I fail to see the side of their story. My suspicious behavior has made me a person who 'assumes', which I was not before. I was always clear to leave matters open and deal with them till it is the right time. But now I realized I am loosing control of myself. Since I faced disappointments from all angles, now this is what I have become. And I belief that I need help now.
Maybe a friend was right that I need to get medical attention, it will help me calm down. Lately I failed to have control of my own life, that I end up messing up my good terms with others, even I know the reasons and being cool as I used to be is no more acceptable for me. Seriously I do need medical attention to calm me down. I am not going mad, just cannot manage my life as I use to. I can't sort it out and find peace within myself. It is really sad of what I have become. I never wanted to be like this. Or is it called as the 'early midlife crisis?'. Or there is something really bugging me all the time, and making me nuts.
Today I wanted to help a person I dearly love by getting away from his way, even knowing it would be painful to me, thinking it would be a solution to that person, my good intentions turned bad. As I failed to understand what this person was facing. I assumed, from some words posted. It was really immature of me to do that. Really foolish. Where else, I know we have been in good terms just a day or two. I messed up his mind and mine too. I always do this to him.
I don't understand why and what did I do. I ended up making things worst for me and him.
And now I look low at myself for being so childish. My thoughts are making me crazy. Really embarrassing. I cannot control my thoughts. Or maybe my thoughts are not mine. They are inputs by others who think what is best for me. They say think and react. But no one said that thinking too much and reacting can also be harmful. And sometimes destroy you.
Realizing this, I feel I am not actually sorted out. As I believed I was. Maybe I need time off from myself and the rest of the world. But it is not a great solution.
What have I become?. One tragedy and rejection in life has made me this. Usually I am out of this. But what happen this time, is seriously linked to my previous post. I need to sort out my life again.
I am not the strong person I used to be anymore. I could face anything with a smile. I lost that sincerity in me after that tragedy. I am messed up. I mess up others around me and mess up their life. This is not me. I am the person who solved others problems. Help and guide them. Maybe this is the karma I am paying of doing that. I use to tell people about what should be done and what not, but I fail to see it might hurt them.
My brother was right. He said, the way you are doing things and thinking is not right. You rather stop now, before you become worst.
Sigh.
I vow to myself to mind my own business. That is best. I shall not say further, my caring nature has made me what I am. I just hope the golden opportunity that is coming my way will be mine. And this will make my life more sorted out.
I also vow to myself that I shall make my own decisions. I regret what has happen. It shall never happen again. Ever. Think of only the good things, the rest allow the universe to manage it.
Smile.
