the unexpected

As life was moving just OK and me being getting adjusted to my early retirement.., dad's health got worse and again rushed him to the ER at PCMC. It was really worrying this time, he looked really sick.

He was in ICU for 3 days, then 4 days at normal wad...but alhamdulillah he is ok now, but one thing that I realised this time is...that my abah won't be long with us. His heart is so weak that anything can happen to him (his heart only functions 40%-60% fully)....or either with Allah's will he might will not have a healthy life after this. I will miss my dad as he was before. I really do.

I have been stressed up and in tears the whole week every time this thought comes to my mind. Some say if he takes care he can live up to 10 years...I will be very happy to see that. But there is an uncertain feeling in me, maybe I am scared to be too comfortable with this number given to me by my aunt, my doctor buddy told me he can live up to 3-4 years only and will always be in and out of hospitals. He has Congestive Heart Failure.

I have to be strong and have faith that Allah knows best, only He knows what kind of plans He have for us..Now I have to be strong to face what ever that may happen in future, I have to be strong to take care of my mother and brother, if I fail, everything will collapse. But for how long..I don't want to turn myself into something else. Sometimes I wish I had my life partner with me, to stand by me, and say hey everything is going to be ok, you are not alone, I am here to take care of it. But sadly Allah had other plans and let me to face this on my own. And I shall face this challenge. 

While writing this, my tears keep pouring. There is a heart ache. I feel the pain now. Close friends and family has shown their love, support and concerns in many ways. I thank them for that. I have been so held up with this recent incident that I even forgot my interview date. This was important to me. But I still managed attended it. To my point of view my 1st interview was better. This time I couldn't think, and I allowed myself to be nervous, and my mind went blank. This was the side effect of the stress that I have been facing that week.

What I can do now is, leave this matter to Allah, as He can provide and guide me, He knows best. If it was meant for me it will be mine, if not...there will always be other option, life doesn't end here.

Maybe looking at the figure and the benefits offered I got greedy and kind of drifted away from my actual mission and the reason I left BernamaTV. I really felt I want that job, because easy money.

I feel sad cause I have become such. Maybe financial difficulties makes you such. After knowing the fact about dad, I guess I should stick to my first option and the risk I took. By not doing so..in a way I might be cheating myself and killing my dreams to be a successful business woman. At this point, I become uncertain again, and start loosing focus of what I intend to do and should be doing.

That is  my dream and only business can make me what I see myself in future in. THE BMW or a lavish sports car lol..I do have such desires and I belief everyone does, but to make it happen, not everyone is capable of it.

I do need to earn more, maybe this is just temporary, I have to be strong, keep faith in Allah and myself. I need my confidence. I need to restructure my life. Focus. I know situations will make me drift away once in a while, but when I write here, I feel I gain my strength back to face whatever is stored for my by life. I will have craft my life. I have seen the vision which I should stick to it and not loose it.

I believe everything will be ok and work out as planned. InshaAllah....